180.5

That's my weight today; 180.5. It fluctuates a couple pounds either way. That's the baseline, and has been consistent for about 10 months.

The weight itself is not important here - like any addictive type of behavior, it's the guilt and fear that goes along with it that matters. I know my diet can kill me, and it scares me. Despite being "in shape," (I'm in good shape) I still have these fears, and I don't think they're different from anyone else who struggles with diet. My saving grace is that I love to work out (no small grace).

I mention this link to any other person who struggles with diet because I frequently get (and add to) that I can eat whatever I want. The truth is, however, that I can't. I suppose I don't "deserve" any empathy because a drive to exercise and a fast metabolism are real gifts. The guilt is the same though.

I think The diet soda scares me more than the rest, but the rest is no picnic either. For example, yesterday alone I had a 12 oz sugar free Red Bull, four 20 oz diet sodas, a beef/sausage combo sandwich, a donut, pretzels with peanut butter, Wheaties FUEL (the only good food I ate all day), and some other junk I just can't recall. Not good, and there was no exercise (I was traveling).

Today is going to be better. Much better.